Nickname: Number 4 with cheese.
Classification: Kinderguardian.
First Job: Chris Evans' shoe shiner.
Current Job: Community manager.
Hobby: Long walks on the Moon.
Mode of Transportation: Scooty Puff sparrow.
Snack: Deep fried Twinkies.

BIOGRAPHY

I joined Not Bungie in 1991 as a fry cook. It's been downhill ever since. My day to day job involves scraping gum off the Traveler, and posting This Week at Not Bungie articles on notbungie.net.

Nickname: The Baker.
Classification: Kinderguardian.
First Job: Crash test dummy stunt double on Mythbusters.
Current Job: Community manager.
Hobby: Yes.
Mode of Transportation: Not Cozmo.
Snack: Bread.

BIOGRAPHY

I joined Not Bungie after losing a bet with myself. This is the best dare I ever lost. I post This Week at Not Bungie articles because, if I don't, I have to sleep in the bucket.

Nickname: Overlord.
Classification: Post Spartan III.
First Job: Sandwich wrangler.
Current Job: Community lead.
Hobby: Competitive neck tie collecting.
Mode of Transportation: Ahamkara.
Snack: Lobster Bisque.

BIOGRAPHY

In the wake of Not Halo Reach, I was brought on to the Not Bungie team because the coffee machine's curse had reached peak levels of bagel spread. After exorcising it, I was offered the position of Community Lead after Not Urk wanted to take a vacation.
In 1983, I was an extra in Return of the Jedi. I was the 5th soldier to the left of that one guy.

Nickname: Josh.
Classification: Post Spartan III.
First Job: Server coolant.
Current Job: Combatants Design Lead.
Hobby: Eating Warhammer miniatures with ketchup.
Mode of Transportation: A tidal wave of ferrets.
Snack: Server coolant.

BIOGRAPHY

I followed my cousin into an abandoned warehouse one day, and it turned out to be Not Bungie's main office. They decided it was more cost effective to give me a job than to shout at me to leave.
If you give me five bucks I can power-lift you into the Sun.

Nickname: Shotgun-Eater.
Classification: Taken Tot.
First Job: 343 Guilty Spark’s stunt double.
Current Job: Studio Knowledge Base Article.
Hobby: Floating. Being an article.
Mode of Transportation: Anti-gravity butt-warmer.
Snack: Mega bytes.

BIOGRAPHY

I used to stir drinks for Jason Jones with my face. I then did mocap and stunt double work back in Halo 2. Now, I serve as a help article. Please stare at me.

Nickname: Nurfy.
Classification: Iron Ingot.
First Job: PvP Design Idea.
Current Job: PvP Design Note.
Hobby: Tying shoelaces around pencils.
Mode of Transportation: That fuzzy thing with the legs.
Snack: Taco nuggets.

BIOGRAPHY

I drifted through high school, unsure of my calling in life. Then I started playing Destiny around The Taken King. I saw three people on Twitter repeatedly shouting at Cozmo to buff plasma pistols, so I took up the mantle and dedicated my life to never letting the devs forget to buff plasma pistols. They eventually hired me because it was cheaper to have me sit at a desk and remind them every week than it was to keep throwing out and rewriting the same sticky note.

Nickname: Biscuit Senior.
Classification: Taken Tot.
First Job: Town Guard.
Current Job: Crucible Designer.
Hobby: Adding spare 0s to auto rifle damage values when no one is looking.
Mode of Transportation: Toaster.
Snack: Turnips.

BIOGRAPHY

I got this job after owning Deej in PvP using nothing but two sticks and a strawberry. He still leaves me passive-agressive pen arrangements on my desk. My goal is to one day make swords the meta.

Nickname: Lego Stepper.
Classification: Spartan II.
First Job: Pizza delivery boy salesman.
Current Job: Raid Designer.
Hobby: Classified.
Mode of Transportation: 1973 Dodge this hammer.
Snack: Little Debbie coffee donut swiss cake roll. With sprinkles.

BIOGRAPHY

Now this is the story all about how my life got flip-turned upside down. I applied to the help wanted ad for a crate designer on Not Halo 2.

Nickname: The other Josh.
Classification: Spartan III.
First Job: Coffee Tester.
Current Job: Senior Technical Reward.
Hobby: Amateur gum chewer.
Mode of Transportation: An opossum, but big enough to ride.
Snack: Mint chocolate chip keyboards.

BIOGRAPHY

I was hired so the other Joshes wouldn't get lonely during the night shifts. I enjoy long walks on the moon and unironically enjoy Jurassic Park 3.

Nickname: The Ball Guy.
Classification: Taken Tot.
First Job: Cube designer.
Current Job: Senior Orbs Designer.
Hobby: Pyramid designing.
Mode of Transportation: A Katamari full of sharks.
Snack: Polyhedrons.

BIOGRAPHY

When you need an orb designed, I'm your guy. I've been designing simple shapes since I was 12. Some say I invented the modern ball.

Nickname: Josh #287.
Classification: Kinderguardian.
First Job: Baby.
Current Job: Senior Tether Challenge.
Hobby: Syrup surfing.
Mode of Transportation: A swarm of ants.
Snack: The ants who get left behind.

BIOGRAPHY

I crashed through the Not Bungie interview office window, during a freak skydiving accident, right when they were hiring some other guy and I got the job instead. I'm here to make sure the other Joshes keep hunters balanced. And by balanced I mean crispy.

Nickname: Bob.
Classification: Iron Ingot.
First Job: Drum set.
Current Job: Senior Phoenix Commander.
Hobby: Pigeon wrangling.
Mode of Transportation: Horse and buggy.
Snack: Home-grown hot dogs.

BIOGRAPHY

One of the Joshes crashed through the window and snagged my job right as I was being hired. I made it my life's goes to ruin his life, and thus far, I was hired as Senior Phoenix Commander. I've been training my phoenixes to rip Josh's eyes out for 3 years and, soon, I will have my revenge. The only problem is that I can't tell the Joshes apart. They're all so handsome.

Nickname: Squish it!!!
Classification: Taken Tot.
First Job: IT support baron.
Current Job: Senior Holiday Licking-Spider.
Hobby: Catching greeting cards in my web.
Mode of Transportation: Carpooling.
Snack: Gnats.

BIOGRAPHY

I was hired on during the holiday season in 2015 to bring other dev's spirits up. They lick me for good luck, and sometimes without the need of alcohol. Between lickings, I help code Not Destiny 2's engine for upgradeable features and parts of the perk system. I was responsible for making Dragonfly work on submachine guns, but it was scrapped at the last second.

Nickname: The Stubber.
Classification: Taken Tot.
First Job: Candy corn assembler.
Current Job: Senior Unique-Emblem Editing, Comical Grape-Meatballs.
Hobby: Avoiding pickles.
Mode of Transportation: Shoes.
Snack: Squirrel jerky.

BIOGRAPHY

I got my humble beginnings at Not Bungie as a shoe shiner before taking on the role of Senior Burger Tester. After four months of that, I drew an obscene doodle on Joe Changes' shirt while he frowned at me the whole time. To get me to stop, they gave the position of Senior Unique-Emblem Editing, Comical Grape-Meatballs. I still have no idea what that means. I've had an unsaved Word doc on my computer that just has "The" on it for the last eight months.

Nickname: Reloader.
Classification: Kinderguardian.
First Job: Classified.
Current Job: Senior Behavior-Progress Machine, Which Can Only Be Acquired by Reporting Smaller Players to the Drifter.
Hobby: Reloading.
Mode of Transportation: A vintage, mint-in-box, 1984 Starscream.
Snack: Dreg tears.

BIOGRAPHY

My job is a weird one. It involves intricately balancing 72 small wine glasses on the head of a beagle while trying to code AI behavior that learns from the player in a quantum noodle strainer that... Oh. Are you still listening?

Nickname: Scarab gun.
Classification: Spartan II.
First Job: Article strangler.
Current Job: Not Destiny franchise director.
Hobby: Halo 2 BR 1v1 Slayer.
Mode of Transportation: The only real Destiny Sparrow.
Snack: Exotic engrams.

BIOGRAPHY

I started out writing TWANB back during Not Halo 3, and worked my way up to where I am now. I have earned all VidMaster achievements 3 times in Not Halo 3 and Not Halo Reach... And got triple the gamerscore for it.

Nickname: Replica weapon collector.
Classification: Kinderguardian.
First Job: Slayer of lemons.
Current Job: Community manager.
Hobby: Constructing a throne of skulls. (From Halo.)
Mode of Transportation: Ghost. (Also from Halo.)
Snack: Xbox Series Xs and PlayStation 5s in a smoothie.

BIOGRAPHY

After juggling the sheer concept of games journalism for a few years I decided I want to steal Not Cozmo's office and got a job as a community manager at Not Bungie. This office is mine now and Not Cozmo must live in the fridge.